Forcing Positivity. Why I don’t believe in forcing myself to feel happy when I’m not.

I think I’m getting better at this title thing. So, I’m not the best at fronting. If I’m upset or angry, you’ll know it. This is a crutch in some scenarios and an advantage in others. I’m not saying I’m always upfront, and I’m certainly not saying I’ve never lied before (I’ve told some doozies in my time), but on the whole, I’m very what you see is what you get. When I was younger, I wore my emotions all over my face. Behind the acne littered baby face, I was an angry kid. I’ve matured since my youth, but one thing remains…

I don’t like pretending I’m happy when I’m not.

I don’t like forcing happy thoughts or positivity when I’m upset. I like talking about what makes me angry. I like confronting the source of my malaise and dealing with it. Forcing happiness feels more like burying my pain, and that is something I just won’t do anymore.

My mother used to admonish me for my facial expressions. As I said earlier, I wore my emotions on my face. If I was said, I looked sad. If I was angry, I looked angry. In her mind, she felt as though I was fishing for sympathy. My mother thought me the little cunning one, and she was right because as I mentioned before, I used to be a habitual liar in my youth, but that was only a front to hide my own inadequacies. I lied to make myself feel bigger than what I was, isn’t that why most people lie?

I don’t like forcing happy thoughts or positivity when I’m upset. I like talking about what makes me angry. I like confronting the source of my malaise and dealing with it. Forcing happiness feels more like burying my pain, and that is something I just won’t do anymore.

But I was alway honest with my feelings. I NEVER lied about that. I just don’t think walking around grinning like an idiot will make you feel happy if you’re not happy. I find such a thing distasteful because (if you can believe this), it’s dishonest.

I’m happier now that I’m approaching 40. I have a better sense of who I am (I should think so since I just said I’m approaching 40) and I’m upfront about how I feel about things. It’s honest and being myself is such a liberating act. This is doubly so in a world intent on making one feel ashamed for owning one’s truth. Shame is debilitating. Shame is a parasite eating away at your self-esteem. Shame is also tiring, and I’m tired of being tired.

So fuck hiding behind a silly grin or a smarmy smirk (dig that alliteration!). I’m always honest now. Even when I lie (C’mon, it’s a Scarface reference). It’s such a happier existence when you’re in tune with who you really are.

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About roninliterati

Ronin Literati is Harold Fisher, formerly known as Obi Adisa Asad (sometimes, still known as this–long story), also known as Fish. I’m a writer living in Los Angeles. My dream is to become a successful science fiction/fantasy writer. I also write this blog when I remember. Thanks for coming with me on this wild ride. If you want to reach me, you can send me an email at roninliterati@gmail.com.

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